***This is gonna be an emo post. Don't read it if you don't want me to spoil your mood.***

Last night wanted to sleep early, but ended up sleeping at around 1am. Supposedly was 11.30pm, i dragged till 1am. I was talking to mum, in my room with the lights off. I were telling all the things that made me upset (the things that happened during primary/secondary school days.. including the things that happened recently) Did get emotional after saying it.. but i didn't cry, was trying hard to control my tears (though a few drops of tears came out but i managed to prevent a gush of tears from flowing out)

Though i mentioned previously i was happy on my birthday, it was on the surface. In actual fact, i was not happy at all. In fact, i felt damn disappointed. Cannot say too much on why.. it is supposed to be private matter. All i can say is, who cares about me, i can feel it. I don't need to see it with my own eyes. But on that day, you let me see it with my very own eyes. Actions speak louder than words.. you know. Just felt so upset, felt like crying.. but i didn't, been holding back my tears as usual. Guess, my heart just died. For real... i really feel so tired, mentally and emotionally.

It was yesterday that i had stupid thoughts again (not dying). It is some other thing, you will know it soon enough.

Memories flashed back too. Hahaha it hurts.. If i can choose, i will choose to erase all my memories and start anew. It's impossible to start all over with all these memories haunting me.

A lot people don't understand me, don't say i lazy cause i'm not. What do you know about me? Don't come scold me stupid. But, so what if i'm really stupid? Knowing something is wrong yet still continue with it. What do you know. Have you ever felt so tired cause of something and wanna give up every single thing but you can't because you're still holding on for someone dear to you? What do you really know.. Put yourself in my shoes before you come and judge me.

I don't know.. i just feel that i've drifted from everyone. I.. just want to shut myself out from everyone. Maybe i will.. i'm slowly doing it. First, i shall shut myself from tagged, then facebook and finally, SMS. Eventually i will be totally shut out. It's all the little things jumbled together that can totally kill you at one go. I've been trying and trying to hold on, but things just keep crashing onto me. What do you really know.. you don't know anything. You think i like the way i'm now? I don't! But can i control it? I can't.

I only can have myself blame for everything. I'm the cause of it. And thats why i shall perish with it (not die okay) Make the good side of me perish and let the other side come out.